Wonder if I should title this – “The Reward of Painting” or “The Price of Painting”…
Contrary to the wide perception of what Painting is for most people (generalizing)…
It’s intimately & disturbingly different for me.
It’s not what it originally started out to be. It’s no longer a pleasant hobby that evolved into a gratifying profession.
It’s a dysfunctional compulsive need for expression to keep me balanced & sane.
Like a double edged sword – As functional it is for survival, it’s equally self destructive by design.
So, perhaps… I don’t Paint much (as much I should)… because I detest how I feel immediately after the Painting is complete .
“As cathartic & rewarding the actual process of creating a painting is… equally horrible is the emptiness & despair it leads to – on it’s completion.”~ My personal Experience
It isn’t easy to explain or comprehend.
For comparison (possibly with a hint of exaggeration) –
Best case scenario: Imagine – cooking your favorite dish. You play some music – pop open a couple of chilled ones & meticulously follow some complex recipe down to its minutest detail. You enjoy the long elaborate process of actual preparation – taking great pleasure in paying attention to detail and perhaps even pride in immaculate execution. You create a dish that appears & smells fantastic. You eagerly anticipate eating it with great pleasure but it gives you zero gratification upon actual consumption. You’re unable to experience any sense of taste – tongue is numb as anesthesia…
If you think that analogy was ridiculous… here’s another –
Worst case scenario: Imagine – having sex. And instead of being rewarded with an orgasm you get a migraine. Or perhaps – a ruptured tendon, muscle tearing & flesh separating from bone.
Would you paint…?
The reward of Painting lies only in it’s process. What comes after is the price you pay for it.
“After the soaring high of creating Art comes a sudden nosedive fall into a vicious gut wrenching low & a sense of profound unexplainable meaninglessness…”~ My personal Experience
On a daily basis… A choice must be made between chaos + rage and balance + sanity.
It’s a difficult choice because there’s a price to be paid… either way.
A better title for this post could be…
“Choosing between the Lesser of Two Evils”.
Irrespective of choice, I am… after all – An Artist.
So, I must Paint.
It isn’t easy to explain or comprehend, but it really isn’t optional and that possibly renders it simple.
“It is what it is“…
“If you hear a voice within you say you cannot paint, then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced.”Vincent Van Gogh
“Wind Torn” ~ Saturnus